Ryan Donnelly's Blog

2 Years Later After Being Clean of Opiates

Yesterday was my 2-year mark of a clean life.  Can not believe it’s been 2 years already.  This time 2 years ago I was laying in a hospital bed pleading to die.  I didn’t see any reason to live, I felt that life was bullshit and worthless.  My mind had been depleted of all motivation to even breathe.   I kept going over all of the atrocious things I had done to everyone around me, the guilt, the pain, the guilt, the pain, it was a battle I didn’t think I was up for.

My family kept coming in one at a time into my crisis room.  Security was outside the door monitoring all of us looney tunes in this section.  Each family member had a look of deep concern.  They saw a train wreck, a car crash, a guy who once had the world at his fingertips, laying defeated with a look of a scared child.  Each face was swollen from tears, they would ask how I was, but they knew, as I lay there squirming, sweating,  a mess of a human.  I was an animal.

I remember being told that I was going to the mental health facility and that they were getting ready for transport.  I was so fatigued and sick that I couldn’t care less where I was going.  But one vivid image sticks in my head.  I remember feeling the heat of the summer sun, being pushed in my stretcher.  The EMS crew turned my stretcher around and pulled me into the ambulance with my eyes facing out the back.  They closed the doors and I saw through the windows, my family standing under the canopy of the ER.  Jess looked like she was going to die.  They stood there destroyed.

I get asked frequently by other addicts how much did my addiction effect those around me?  That image comes to mind.

2 Years ago I thought my life was over.  I was going to commit suicide on July 27th, 2009. That is the day that should be on my tombstone.  The way I look at it now, that tombstone doesn’t exist on this planet yet, but it lives in my mind daily.

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