Ryan Donnelly's Blog

Rehab Morning 1 (Continued 4)

I picked up my first bag and started loading it into the garbage. Most people in my situation would be pretty upset with this job, they might even consider it gross, but I couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off of my face.
I felt like the old me again. I was different, and it was at that moment that I realized my life was going to be forever changed. Those first moments of working in the warehouse, shoveling garbage, were the first moments of purpose I had in years. Who would have imagined that moving trash would instill in me a feeling of worth. Certainly not me.
This feeling was something that I had lost along the way. Honestly, I didn’t even know how much I missed it, until it was back in my life. Like it had never gone away at all. I was hooked. I needed my life to mean something again. This was it. This was my fresh start. It killed the cravings for drugs ten fold. I craved life now.
I started to refer to this feeling as my “ mental re-awakening”. I looked at the situation I was in like symbolism. The garbage was all of the nasty shit I had piled in my life. And the shoveling and tossing it away, was me cleansing my mind body and soul. Physically I was bagging, and ironically mentally I was doing the exact same thing. I was bagging up all my old issues, and making room for my new life.
This was the first time in my life that I had a feeling that there was nothing that was going to stand in my way. Nothing was going to stop me from achieving my goals and reaching my full potential. It hit me that the only thing that has stood in my way, was me. I was my own road block. And now, I could stop being that blinking yellow light that had been constantly telling me to slow down, stop while your ahead. There’s no stop in sight now. Not ever.

Everything around me was starting to feel like it was supposed to be there all along. Like De ja vu. I felt like I had been here before.

After two and a half hours of bagging garbage, it was time for my first official work break. I remember this break very vividly and probably will for the rest of my life.

I went to a window by myself and starred out at a giant New York City skyline and an overwhelming feeling of minuteness encompassed my body. I was completely clear and my skin grew goosebumps. It all made sense to me now. The garbage, the skyline, it was the backdrop to my new life. It was the background to a new mans story. A story of an epic fail and a triumphant return.

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