Ryan Donnelly's Blog

Mental Storm

The alarm sounded on Frank’s nightstand, and once again it was a new day.  This morning was different,  I was achy,  and my body was starting to feel the sleep deprivation.  My mind was becoming foggy, kind of like I was hungover.   I took out the piece of paper and read it to myself.  It could always be worse.  I could be in the ground. 

It was raining on this morning and you could cut the humidity in half.  The sky was heavy and dark with a fog that wasn’t going away. The weather just added to the misery I felt that kept tapping me on the shoulder.  It was trying it’s damnedest to make me feel negative.  I had to make a mental note to try to brush this negativity off, I couldn’t afford it, not at this stage in the game. 

I thought positive thoughts over and over again in my head. It took some extra effort to wash up and head to breakfast.  My body felt like it was moving in slow motion.

My demons kept trying to enter my thoughts. “Why are you here Ryan?  Why not just give up.  Aren’t you exhausted?” I guess this was just a part of my journey, there were a lot of guys here that had come before me that must have felt this way too. 

I found myself getting flustered and pissed off.  Where was this voice coming from?  It was obvious that this battle was going to be an everyday occurrence.  It was time for me to smack this funk in the face.

I walked back into the bedroom and Frank asked me what was wrong?  He could tell that I was feeling down.  I just told him that the lack of sleep and now the rain were putting a damper on my thought process.

Frank broke my mood with a question.  He asked me how I thought my family was feeling at that moment.  He told me that as much as I needed to fix myself for me, that when I felt the way I was feeling, I needed to think about the people who believe in me, and that were waiting for me at home.

He then  asked me what my options were. ” How far have you come in the past 10 days?  Did you ever think you would be here?” “Not at all,” I replied.  “Then stop feeling sorry for yourself.  You have something special bro, I can feel it, and everyone else can too.  Don’t let yourself down.”  And before that could be absorbed into my mind he said, “Alright, let’s go get some fucking pancakes.”  I just started laughing.  

I told him I would meet him downstairs in the cafeteria.  I was alone in the bedroom, I sat down on the bed and listened to the rain hit the window.  People were out there still suffering right now, and  I made it through the hardest part of it. I was given the chance that many aren’t. 

I started to ask myself what I was made of. I must have repeated the question in my head at least five times. Was I going to fold or fight?  Fold or fight?  And as if I had a guardian angel, my body became filled with energy.

 I was going to fight. I was the only one who could fight for my life. I  headed for the doorway, turned off the lights and stood for a second in what was now a dark room. I had seen darker. I knew then that I was ready to face my new life, and I was willing to fight for my future.

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